Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in J's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
9:20 pm	She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago... Let her cry She sits alone by a lamppost Trying to find a thought that’s escaped her mind She says dad’s the one I love the most But stipe’s not far behind She never lets me in Only tell me where’s she’s been When she’s had too much to drink I say that I don’t care I just run my hands Through her dark hair and then I pray to god You gotta help me fly away And just... Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing...if it eases all her pain Let her go...let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be...let her be. This morning I woke up alone Found a note by the phone Saying maybe, maybe I’ll be back some day I wanted to look for you You walked in I didn’t know just what I should do So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for Myself. Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing...if it eases all her pain Let her go...let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be...let her be. -solo- Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing...if it eases all her pain Let her go...let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be...let her be. Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Won’t you hold my hand. And Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing...if it eases all her pain Let her go...let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be...let her be. Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing...if it eases all her pain Let her go...let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be...let her be. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
7:51 pm	Sorrys sometimes aren't enough. I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything... in another time and another place it would have worked, but not now. I am upset that you decided now was the time to make me choose "all or nothing" but I know in your mind the time was right. But not for me. Hopefully my loosing you will make me realize how much I truely need you in my life, if not, remember that I'll always love you deep inside my heart. You will always be my first love. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 4th, 2004
10:29 pm	My songbird. I WILL not follow you, my bird, I will not follow you. I would not breathe a word, my bird, To bring thee here anew. I love the free in thee, my bird, The lure of freedom drew; The light you fly toward, my bird, I fly with thee unto. And there we yet will meet, my bird, Though far I go from you Where in the light outpoured, my bird, Are love and freedom too. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
12:27 am	hahahaha kttle 82% cutiele703 73% lavender_rain 71% How compatible with me are YOU? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 31st, 2003
4:35 am	A Kiss to Build a Dream On I remember it so clearly… It was a sunny summer day, she had called to ask if I would like to go to the park and of course I said yes. Vasona Park was the destination and she told me to wear shorts and a t-shirt because it would be hot. We ended up playing volleyball and it truly was a beautiful day. I later became tired and decided to lay down under the shade, she had come and sat with me so I could lay my head in her lap. I had only closed my eyes when she began to feed me oranges. It was a scorching day and this was a cool inviting treat, only the third orange didn’t feel like and orange… it was lips… a kiss to build a dream on. Still fighting my inner demons... (((FOCUS))) I seem to have lost something... how do you find something that isn't a material object, but instead a state of mind?? (Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2003
6:46 am	To know me... you must know my past. TO KNOW ME... YOU MUST KNOW MY PAST. You can never experience true bliss without the pain and suffering... a hidden pain that I have endured all these years. I met her halfway through freshman year... She was sitting right next to the spot where I was supposed to sit in the gym for roll call. I remember it like it was yesterday. She was wearing grey sweats and a San Jose Unified grey t-shirt, long pigtails and skater shoes... cutest girl I had ever seen. I sat down next to her and we made eye contact... she smiled, I smiled back, I knew at that instant I was in love. I had asked her, "So... where you from?" She replied, "I'm Canadian, but I transferred from Willow Glen..." and the rest was history. This was in 1996. We had become good friends but when the year ended she was panning on transferring to school in Fremont... and I not having a license would never see her again... Then the good news came… she was going to stay at Leland through senior year! We got together that summer… many memories, volleyball at the park, our first kiss. Our relationship got off to a rocky start… and after a year and a half of tears and hopelessness something changed. At the brink of ending it all there was a glimpse of hope… she truly loved me. Not the love typically shared by sophomores in high school… it was something deeper. “…you have been the most precious thing in my life since I first fell in love with you. It’s beyond myself and words to describe the intense emotions of joy that you bring to my life. I need you to be part of my life… a part of me.” Our years in high school flew by… in my eyes too fast. Senior year had crept up on me and she was going away to UCLA for college… I didn’t realize how sad I would be until she had left. My days had seemed to slow down, wanting to reverse time. I wanted to take back all my encouragement on her decision to go to UCLA. When she called crying telling me she wanted to come home, I wanted to drive down and pick her up, bring her home, home to stay. But instead I had to do what was right… “..tuff it out, I know you are strong… prove it to yourself, that you can do it. Make me proud.” Some time later she’s doing well, warming up to the LA lifestyle. I get wind that she has met someone… My initial feelings were selfish… anger, pride, hurt, confusion… Why didn’t she tell me? What does she have to hide?? I had told her that I would like her to meet someone down there for herself, to keep her company. Someone to care for her and watch over her. But I didn’t think she would actually find someone so fast. This hit me like a train wreck. After that night I didn’t sleep for two days… I ended up going down to LA with intentions on meeting this guy… upset and enraged I drove down there… getting a 190mph speeding ticket in the process. On the drive down, having time to think I decided that I had to be civil about the situation for her sake… and to not look like the stupid fool that I was. Upon meeting this 6 foot tall giant of a man I had suddenly lost all my anger. He had a smile that would melt the popsicle that I was eating… you could truly feel that this guy was a teddybear. And it was at that moment that I knew I no longer had to worry about her… she was in good hands. Somewhere along the way I forgot that she had grown up… I had always thought of her as the little girl that needed her toes warmed at lunch time, needed someone to carry her books and walk her to class, someone to comb her hair when it was tangled. This job was mine for 4 years… and suddenly I realized that it wasn’t my job anymore, she could do it herself. 11.11.99 She sent me her last card… Dear MrBee… You know that I have had this card 4ever? If you can tell from the front, it’s a bit dirty… I would say this card is about 4 years old. Why am I telling you this? I found it among my cousin’s things and I stole it from her. @the time, I found the card 2 be sweet but had no real meaning in my life. When I went 2 Canada that one summer I thought about sending this card, but 4 some reason I felt I needed 2 save it… But right now – more than ever after all these years… I really feel that now is the right time for me 2 spend the time 2 send it to you. What does this card mean 2 me? It means that each & everyday that passes by and you are not by my side – I am empty. But what makes the hurt even more heavy is to know that I can’t be there in San Jose 2 hold your hand and help you through the tough times. I know that your heart aches and you feel very lonely and I wish so much that I could give you all the attention & love & support that you deserve. (I am sorry for the tear spots but as I write this I feel sad inside that I can’t be there for you… and so where do I go from here?!) I really wish & want you 2 find a new companion/friend or even girlfriend. @least I can be comforted by the fact that you are no longer lonely. So I want you 2 know that I am hoping & wanting you 2 find a special someone… not to replace me, but help fill that empty place in your heart… in the mean time I want you 2 know that I still miss the unimportant chats & silly games & phone calls we share… you are the white chocolate that covers my strawberries. Even though @ times you may feel neglected by me Remember this: You are never alone… For our love is so timeless that it never ceases to exist… I love you Jonathan Sit -Pochacco- (common.. you really think I’d tell you her name?! You should already know…) It seems that 4 more years have passed… She’s an independent woman… we don’t share those daily or weekly calls anymore. Her life is too hectic for that. She expected me to give her a call everyday and now she expects for me to be there like nothing changed… despite not talking to her for months. I am trying, but it’s hard. To go from being independent to having someone else’s life consume yours… to live and breath someone else for so much of your life. Mind, body and soul. And then to let it all go and start with nothing… well you never start over with nothing… you have a souvineer, a “key chain” if you will… something that says you have visited that place… puppylove land. I think I’m still stuck there… I’m lost, I’ve been lost for 4 years. … a lost crying puppy in search for the lost and found, the key chain around my neck with instructions to return me to puppylove land... :to be couninued: Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not the One (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:29 am	hmmmmmmmm what have we here... (2 Comments |Comment on this)